I know this is a LONG one…but here we go:
I was very excited that Chris and I finally made it back to the DFW area!!! I really thought that once we were moved in and settled, I would be able to start writing and posting more. I had started getting ready to compete again last year and was in the middle of prepping when we found out we were going to move. In March of 2013, Chris took a job in Fort Worth and we started preparing to move. I stopped my show prep because that was really just too much for me personally because we were needing to drive back and forth from DFW to Abilene trying to prepare for the move (finding a house and all that jazz) and decided I should wait until we were settled a little before starting that. SO we got settled in and I started prepping again. About 6 weeks into the prep, I started working again and about 3 weeks later, I decided that with the new job and just the new town and life in general, it wasn’t fair to Chris for me to be in show prep. It’s hard to be spontaneous during that time and there were just so many new things that we wanted to try and so I once again decided to call off the prep. I do not regret making those decisions. I finally decided that I would just not worry about competing that year and would pick a show after the first of the year and go from there.
THE BIG NEWS:
November 6th, I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!!! Chris and I were expecting! It was the best news EVER! Mainly because Chris and I had been trying for a little over 5 years at that point without any luck! We had been putting off seeing a Dr to get answers because I think we were both a little scared to hear what they might tell us. So needless to say…WE WERE THRILLED!!! Our original plan was to wait until Christmas to tell everyone and we were going to think of cute gifts to give our families to announce it! HA….there was NO WAY we could wait that long. Our next idea was to tell everyone at Thanksgiving and that way we could tell them face to face and see their reactions….that wasn’t going to work either! Our first Dr’s appointment was scheduled for Nov 20th and Chris and I were both so excited that we ended up calling and telling everyone the news on Saturday, Nov 16th 🙂 haha. We had our first appointment on the 20th and found out we were about 5 1/2 weeks along. I have never been so excited in my life!!! My life had changed! There went the thought of competing in early 2014…but I was okay with that!!!! We were FINALLY going to have a family! I couldn’t wait to see the Dr again (Dec 11th) to hear the heart beat!
MY LIFE CHANGED…AGAIN:
Chris didn’t get to go to the first appointment with me, so we were so excited for our second appointment. At the last minute, Chris had something come up at work and there was no way he could get out of it. I told him it was fine, and that I would try to take a video of the heart beat and so I went to the appointment alone. I saw my amazing Dr and answered some questions and then had to wait for the sonogram room to open. We went into the room and she got everything up on the screen and then said (not in these exact words but this is how I remember it) what I’m seeing is that it’s not forming right and there’s no heart beat, but let me grab Dr. so and so (can’t remember the name) to get a second opinion and then she walked out. I was in shock….surely I misunderstood! The other Dr comes in and looks and then says “that’s what I see too” and then left. My Dr then tells me again and all I can do is bust out in tears! I did NOT misunderstand. She gives me a box of Kleenex and tries her best to comfort me and tells me some options and then tells me she’ll give me some time alone. I sat in there for what seemed to be forever and then decided to leave. I had no clue what I was supposed to do…did I owe for this visit? So I composed myself (as best I could) and headed out. I walked up to the front where the lady cheerfully asked me if I needed to schedule my next appointment and I bust out in tears again and said no. She felt horrible and just said I could go so I walked out and sent Chris a text that said “call me” and he did immediately. Through the tears, all I could say was “no heart beat” and his response was….”go home, I’m leaving work right now and will be there as soon as I can”. I sat in my car for a little while because I was crying too hard to drive. So I sent my mom and both of my sisters a text that said…just left Dr, no heart beat, don’t want to talk about it. So the sister just above me calls and says, I know that you don’t want to talk about it, and we don’t have to talk about THAT but I don’t want you to just go home and sit by yourself…we can talk about ANYTHING. So I talked to her until Chris got home. My life had changed again! I went from being the happiest I’ve ever been to the most heart-broken I’ve even been…in like an hour! Hard to deal! I sent my boss a text that and told her I would not be in the rest of the week. The next few days were horrible. The only time I got out of my PJ’s were to run to Wal-Mart to get just a few groceries. BAD IDEA! I passed a pregnant lady and I just started crying…so I grabbed some food and went home to put my pj’s back on. I grabbed cookies, cereal, milk, and a few bags of candy! Healthy right!?!?!? That is what I ate for the next few days. Chris and I discussed the options and we decided it would be best to schedule a D&C. I ended up having my D&C on Dec 18th. Before the procedure, I had another sonogram just to make sure a miracle didn’t happen…and there was no change. That did make me feel better about having the procedure done. My Dr had asked me if we wanted to have the fetus tested after the procedure to try to determine what the cause of the miscarriage was. I said definitely. I knew that there was a chance we wouldn’t learn anything from this…but there was also a chance we would so I wanted to know if possible! A few weeks after the procedure we got the results back and I was told that there was a chromosome abnormality that can be an “accidental” abnormality but this particular one can also be a genetic issue as well and she wanted us to go see a genetic counselor. Chris and I went and learned at that appointment that we would’ve had a baby girl and that the abnormality affected the 13th chromosome and they took blood from me and from Chris to see if this was something that either one of us carried.
About 3 weeks later, we received our results. Chris does NOT carry it. I, on the other hand, am the carrier and it is called 13 14 translocation or robertsonian translocation. I am still not 100% sure what all that really means…and am a little scared to start researching online! I will be making another appointment with my Dr to discuss. I know that it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy pregnancy/child and so that gives me hope…but now we know why we have had trouble getting pregnant in the first place.
WHERE I’M AT NOW:
Right now, I have my good days and my bad days. I get very sad and feel like I could cry at any minute occasionally and I know that I am not alone in this but sometimes feel like I am. My exercise routine is off (well let’s be honest, it is nonexistent), my diet is TERRIBLE and I just don’t feel like myself at all. I have gained weight and feel lazy and just tired (emotionally and physically). I don’t know how to shake this. I don’t know if this has hit me as hard as it has because of how long it took to even get pregnant, or what….but I am really struggling to bounce back! Chris and I can officially start trying again and that is exactly what we plan on doing! We will also sit down with our Dr to see what all of are “options” are. All we can really do at this point is pray and ask for prayers. I know that God has a plan and I trust in him and his plan. It’s just hard…